The Paddock Picnic
October 13th 2006 01:36
"A beautiful spot"
It’s a beautiful spring day, and the family is invited to a picnic. Not in a civilized park in town – no- it’s a cheery voice saying “We have this beautiful spot out in the paddocks – you’ll love it.”
So this time the family is going prepared! A list is carefully compiled.
First pack the folding chairs. That is even more essential than packing the food - as otherwise everyone will be condemned to either standing all afternoon, perching on a log or a rock somewhere – which is fine for ten minutes but not for five hours,- or sitting on the grass - which is how they were bitten by the bull ant last time.
Secondly, a decent hat for everyone is needed, including the men. They may protest, but they can be reminded of the sun stroke. Throw in the sunscreen too – one can only try.
Now, for the food. Yes, there is going to be a barbeque, so the raw meat can be taken. But it is essential that plenty of other food is stashed away, as it’s just as likely that either the fire won’t light at all or it will be so hot everything within ten metres of the blaze will burn to a cinder. That big pasta salad will become very popular - as will that cake that is always part of the family picnic. Oh, and tomato sauce is essential - it is often forgotten by others and hides a multitide of sins when it comes to the cooked or uncooked meat.
Until the kids reach the age of around twelve, the list must include an extra set of clothes. The more active members of the family will either fall in the creek, fall off the top of a rock ripping a hole in their best jeans or ruin a favourite shirt by bleeding all over it after being hit in the face by a misguided football. This will only happen on the day the family doesn’t pack the extra clothes – so that’s why packing them is important – to keep the children safe! It’s called Murphy’s Law.
A large box of tissues has many uses. This ranges from wiping grease and tomato sauce off everyone’s hands and faces (if they do happen to get the barbeque fired up), to mopping up the blood from the football bashed nose or another kid’s scratched knee. And, of course, there is always that kid who has to go to the toilet when toilet paper is a good ten kilometres away or the other kid who manages to sit in something that is always found in a paddock that is usually occupied by other animals.
It is advisable never to park under the shadiest tree – because that is exactly where there is a half exposed stick or tree root that will be waiting to go into your car tyre before you know it. If there is a ditch or a soft boggy patch in the paddock someone is bound to find it and get bogged, so throwing in the car jack and the tow rope is advisable to help that poor sod who didn’t know any better.
The next essential for the picnic basket is a couple of thermoses of hot water, coffee, tea, milk, sugar, teaspoon and several large mugs and a packet of Panadol. Even if no-one was a caffeine addict beforehand, by the time everyone has negotiated all the other features of the day they will need a good strong cup of something. That is unless everyone has managed to avoid all responsibilities and just got drunk instead - in which case the responsible member of the family who is driving homes will need the coffee and the Panadol!
Most kids love having a picnic in the bush, because parents, once they have settled into their less than comfortable folding chairs, aren’t going to get up again unless it’s an absolute emergency. Besides, if it’s a fifteen minute walk to those boulders that are so great to climb or it takes ages to go down to the creek - who cares anyway? Parent’s rule for the day is: “Out of sight - out of mind”. Usually the big kids look out for the little ones – but this should never be assumed, unless there has been a lot of experience with the same group of kids. Babies and toddlers don’t enjoy a picnic in a paddock as they tend to get left behind. So if the family includes anyone under three years of age take a lot of toys and don’t expect to relax. Most kids from about four to twelve years old have a great time. Even a loner soon finds that he can amuse himself pocking a stick down an ant’s nest and watching the ants go crazy when he stirs them up – as long as he knows when to strategically retreat!
As the boys get older there is always the football to kick or cricket to play so packing the appropriate sporting gear is needed. For girls that are not "into" football and cricket - they will disappear over the hills and far away to discuss secret young women’s business and if everyone is lucky they will return without disenfranchising anyone for the next six months. The loner will probably have learnt by now to either bring a book or an iPod and will be found loafing away in the car with the air conditioner on, so the car battery will be as flat as the tyre was at the last picnic. It’s just as well the jumper leads are packed.
After all this one may wonder why anyone ever says “Yes” to these events. Well, someone in the group will have remembered to bring the camera. And when the kids have all grown up and most have gone away to boarding school or to work in the city, those left behind will look at the photos and realize that everyone was smiling – even the football casualty with his swollen lip and black eye. The reason for this is because a paddock picnic meant that everyone had to work together to make it happen. And if one person forgot the tissues, someone else was bound to have remembered them. And yes - it really was a beautiful spot- despite the mosquitoes. (Did anyone pack the aerosol?)
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