Country driving - following directions
December 29th 2006 04:40
Which way now?
You have been invited to a friend’s place for afternoon tea, a party, book club, a game of tennis or even to check out the new tractor. Yes this is for the blokes too – just because they will never admit they are lost, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen – I happen to know men get “temporarily misplaced” all the time… I digress…
Firstly you could ask the “nearest and dearest”. You are likely to get a response something like “Well, you know when we went to Jacko’s 21st… you go past there – three more turns to the right , one to the left past the black stump and you will see three gum trees in a row and it’s only seven k’s from there. If you get to the bitumen road you have gone too far. Look, you can’t miss it.” Of course you have lost it on the first call – you have no idea how you got to Jacko’s – it was three years ago, and anyway it would have been at night and you would have been spending all your energy watching the sides of the road to ensure that there were no kangaroos going to jump out and into the new car. So you have no idea how many kilometres it was to Jacko’s let alone anything else. And be assured if you hear the words “You can’t miss it”, you will!
Perhaps you could ask someone along the way. Well fifty years ago that may have worked, but now no one is home, and if they are, they are like you and have friends scattered all over the Shire, and probably won’t know your friend, especially if they have only been living there for twenty years and are new to the district.
The other part of your partner’s instructions that should immediately create a flashing warning light in your head is “If you get to the bitumen– you have gone too far.” Just a little encouragement here – how does the person giving the instructions know about such and such a road? It’s because they have gone too far at some time in the past! So if you do get there – you are running about average in the “find the house” stakes. And at least you are still in the right district!
If your friends have any compassion she/he will give you a very clear mud map of how to get to their place – preferable starting from your front door. Exact kilometres and plenty of warnings are appreciated. There should be no vague descriptions of trees you have never heard of and no mention of who lives along the way - because frankly you didn’t enjoy that party at Jacko’s and you vowed and declared that you would never go near his place again.
I suggest you also get your friend’s telephone number and take your fully charged mobile phone. There is no guarantee that it will work in that part of the Shire, but you might be lucky if you stand on a hill or climb a tree. Also make sure you have a full tank of fuel and leave early. You can always wait at the front gate under a tree for half an hour if you fluke it and get there early. Besides it takes about half an hour to compose yourself after a session of self-congratulations that is well deserved if you didn’t make more than a dozen mistakes.
Of course you can always find out who else is going and follow their dust – but to be honest, you won’t remember if you ever have to go there again, so you may as well start learning now. Of course you won’t remember if you get hopelessly lost either, but you might just find out where Jacko lives so you will have achieved something! He’s likely to be the only person who is at home and knows where your friend lives – and believe me, he will be your friend for life if he does.
Inevitable when it’s time to go home your friend will point in the opposite direction from whence you came and tell you to go four k’s straight down that road, turn right onto the bitumen and it will get you straight onto the main road home. And you will wonder why your wonderful partner didn’t tell you that in the first place. It’s usually because it’s ten kilometres longer if you go that way. The fact that you just did fifty extra kilometres on the way out when you were lost, seems irrelevant. After all you did find out where Jacko lives so it can’t have all been a complete waste of time!
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